A Matter of Telling
by theBrillianceofNight
Summary: A letter is found in the weeks following Sasuke's defection from Konoha. In it is a telling note, of how a seemingly silent someone has actually talked quite a lot - just not to the one person closest to him.  Rating for one dirty word.


I don't know why it is like this, but sometimes, I feel the need to apologize for my actions to the few people who believe I still have some shred of sanity left. They're the only people keeping me grounded. I could spill my secrets, my feelings, my thoughts, even my insecurities to other people, closer friends, but they wouldn't take me seriously, just push it off their own minds and back onto my own shoulders with a laugh, or a simple, "You're nuts." And anyway, it's not like I have many close friends my age.

It's ironic, through, since I have such extreme trust...er, _dis_trust issues, that the ones I can spill my guts to are the ones who I barely even know. That's why I could tell every single one of my secrets to a random person on the street, but not to my own mother, were she still alive. I guess it's because the stranger might shun, avoid me, but it wouldn't matter because it wouldn't seem any different from what might happen normally. I couldn't bear to have someone closer start avoiding me. My few friends, whether or not they are that close, are my comic relief.

There are Ino and Sakura, in a fierce competition, and always fighting. Not a moment goes by without some bickering, and they never get along. Sakura yelling at "Ino-pig," Ino calling her out on her "billboard brow," but everyone knows that underneath it all, they're still best friends.

Crazy Kiba who is actually soft and sensitive, no matter how much of a rough and rowdy front he puts up. The dog lover who has a side that reveals itself when it comes to his comrades, and the ready-to-go fighter who has insightful instincts that kick in, particularly in regards to his female teammate. And there's Hinata, who looks weak but is stronger than you could ever imagine from her outwardly appearance. The petite girl who seems shy but can turn loud and obnoxious, or vicious and ferocious, both changes depending on the people she treasures, those individuals she calls friends, her second family that actually accepts her and cares dearly for her.

Shikamaru and Chouji, their friendship activities not consisting of much, but both would be lost without the other - Chouji would definitely be bewildered without Shikamaru, but what many people don't realize is that Shikamaru would be just as overwhelmed without his constant companion to anchor him down. He'd too easily be lost in his thoughts.

Lee, Tenten and Neji, belonging together but never quite fitting right with the rest of us, or with each other. Tenten and Lee's_ feelings _balance out Neji's cool indifference, while Neji's deliberancy and strategic thinking balance out Tenten and Lee's haste and impulsiveness. Lee and Neji's physical strength balances out Tenten's slight lack of it, but Tenten makes up for Lee and Neji's deficiency in determination, mental, and emotion stability. Neji and Tenten's accuracy balances out Lee's somewhat sloppy techniques, but Lee's never decreasing eagerness to help a friend balances out Neji and Tenten, who are willing to support those close to them, but have slight reluctance if other important things may be put at risk.

And then there's quiet Shino, never really joining the conversation or being social. But in reality, he's fiercely protective of the more gentle member on his group of comrades. He's not just sitting there, watching. He's waiting, always ready to jump in to defend the princess of his team. And that's a loving term, princess, not a word used to describe a bratty female who can't take care of herself. And he's also always prepared to intervene in order to keep his more excitable teammate in check, like an older brother who stands off to the side, waiting to intervene when it comes to his younger siblings, his chosen responsibilities.

Oh, but Naruto - you're like the life of the party, the only thing keeping everyone together. Without you at the center, the Konoha 12 wouldn't exist, we'd just be the three rookie teams of the Leaf plus Team Gai. You're a natural leader, because people just instinctively draw closer to you, including myself, because of your sunny disposition and the constant smile on your face. No matter where you are, unless one of those important precious people of yours is threatened, your attitude is always positive. Like the sun to sunflowers, people will drop everything to follow you because you just make people want to join you, help you, pitch in just to be able to share the warmth of being a good person. And you're the closest thing to a friend I've ever had.

That's why I can't ever tell you. I don't want to know what would happen to your smile, your laugh, your happiness. I don't think I'd be able to survive a cheerless Naruto. But it's not quite the same, sharing things with them instead of you. Though all of the others are open-minded, no one but you, Naruto, has never seen me as the village heartthrob.

As the Uchiha survivor.

As the genius's brother.

As the disappointing son.

You've only ever seen me as Sasuke.

But telling only the others, a poor replacement, is still worth seeing your face everyday, eternally joyful. And anyway, sometimes it helps to talk to others.

Hinata understands the pressures of having to live up to someone's expectations, and the times I occasionally feel like I'm failing against those standards.

Lee appreciates my determination, my perseverance, that I'll never give up.

Neji gets that talking, even simply showing emotion, just isn't always the best way of communication, and that it's not always appropriate either, and it isn't the easiest for me.

Shino sees why I often enjoy seclusion.

Tenten gives me good advice when I lose motivation.

Kiba allows me to see things from a different point of view by voicing his opinion, even if it's not welcome.

Shikamaru reminds me of the value of just sitting back and relaxing for a while, of how well it clears and calms the mind.

Chouji shows me how treating yourself sometimes refreshes you immensely.

Ino helps to fill the empty void in my brain by filling it with chatter, about things that don't hurt anybody at all, keeping my mind off of morbid things, distracting me from harmful thoughts.

Sakura aids me in remembering to take care of myself, the value of keeping myself healthy.

And when the Kazekage and his siblings come to town, I talk to them too.

Temari tells me how letting down a rough-and-tough front once in a while can be rewarding, and showing some emotion won't hurt me if it doesn't hurt her.

Kankuro sympathizes with how it feels to be the odd one out, how it's like to have no one understand the way I am.

Gaara understands loneliness, and knows pain and betrayal, and can connect to how my insecurities are based.

But somehow, every conversation goes back to you.

"N-n-naruto-k-kun w-wouldn't mind t-talking t-t-to you."

"Yosh! Why do you not bring this matter to the ever youthful Naruto?"

"Naruto is the opposite extreme from you when it comes to communication - maybe you should talk to him."

"You're _Naruto_'s friend, aren't you?"

"One of the most motivated people I know is Naruto - he could probably give better advice than me."

"Why don't you ask him? Naruto is never afraid to tell what he thinks either."

"You can be just as troublesome as Naruto, you know that?"

"Naruto knows just as well as I do how much a body needs some special treatment."

"You know who never stops talking? Naruto! He just won't shut up!"

"I wonder how Naruto is doing. He better be laying off the ramen."

"That blond kid that beat some sense into my little brother - how's he doing?"

"Bet it's hard for Naruto to fit in too."

"Naruto's had just as much of a hard time as the both of us."

That's why I'm sure that one day, all these things I've said, and not to you, Naruto, are going to be let slip, are not going to be secure forever.

And that's why I have to leave.

I'm selfish, I can't bear the thought of seeing you sad. It's because you're more than a friend, you're just like a brother. And I've already lost one brother. I'm positive I'd break if I lost another. Which is why I have to leave. Because I'm almost positive you _will _hear of this, but I don't care how the others will feel or react at the prospect of you being sad.

Because a depressed Naruto is like a dark sun -

A waterless ocean -

A heatless fire -

A selfless me.

I guess it's because they are never meant to exist, never supposed to be.

So from now on, when you refer to me, make it easier for both of us. Call me a selfish bastard.

Not heartless, just extremely selfish.

Maybe I'll tell you all of those things I've said one day, but until then -

Keep smiling. Real smiles. Not for me, but for them, for listening to my rants and keeping the hurtful truth from you, on my behalf.

From a selfish bastard -

Sasuke.


End file.
